


a promise of hope is enough to feel free

by spark_M



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Gen, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Child Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-17
Updated: 2019-10-25
Packaged: 2020-03-07 00:39:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18862225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spark_M/pseuds/spark_M
Summary: They were both a little broken, a little bruised. But the colors that danced in their soul created a beautiful story once the haunting memories were left behind.orHyunjin and Seungmin meet when they're both grieving over the only people who had shown them light.Will they find a new light in each other?





	1. I'll cherish all the moments with you

_ Thank you my friend, I won't forget you _

_ I'll cherish all the moments with you _

_ Thank you my friend, I won't forget you _

_ Let's meet again in the same place _

_ Trying to stop time to relive our memories _

 

-

 

Changbin had always said that Hyunjin was the sun and he was the moon. 

It had been from a poem he had written;

_ “You were the sun, _

_ I, your moon. _

_ Maybe that’s why I don’t shine as bright anymore, _

_ For without her Sun,  _

_ The Moon cannot shine.” _

Changbin had been  _ very  _ over dramatic and had written it when Hyunjin had left for vacation for only a month. But he was like that. Changbin had always been the one to miss people easily.

Hyunjin misses him so much.

If the sun could go on without the moon, why does Hyunjin feel so empty?

  
  
  


Hyunjin and Changbin had been friends ever since middle school when Changbin had plopped himself down onto the seat next to Hyunjin after he had introduced himself to the class. Changbin had been a year older than him, and transferred to Hyunjin’s school halfway through the year. After the initial awkwardness, they had bonded over how lost they were in their English class and had helped each other improve. If Hyunjin says so himself, he’s  _ definitely  _ better than Changbin in speaking English, though the boy would disagree.

But Changbin would never get to fight with him in broken English now, since he was six feet underground.

His death had been unexpected, Hyunjin couldn’t get himself to believe for two days, he had gone about his life, pretending that his dear friend was somewhere, anywhere but the cruel hands of death. He pushed everyone away and pretended everything was fine up until Changbin’s music production teacher approached him with tears in her eyes, and that was the moment he cracked. The moment which he would remember where his heart had shattered into pieces that could never be woven back together, where he let himself feel and he cried in the arms of a woman he barely knew.

Hyunjin went to Changbin’s house with a broken heart, ready to fall even deeper into the darkness he’d been in for the past days which seemed like years. When he got there he didn’t expect to be welcomed with a cup of tea and face Changbin’s mom who’d been nothing but kind to him. Hyunjin hadn’t cried when she had sobbed his son’s name in his arms, hadn’t cried when he looked around the house that he spent dreaming under the roof in. Hyunjin finally cried as he took in the state of his best friend’s -his brother’s room. Everything was the same as it usually was - bedsheets tangled, LP records displaying his favorite artists, his production setup turned off. He sobbed as he hugged Changbin’s pillow tight to his chest and let himself be overwhelmed with just how  _ Changbin  _ everything was with the way everything smelled of the boy he’d shared everything with. He let himself shake, not calming down like he normally would with the help of  _ him _ . Every time things got too loud, too much, too overwhelming, Changbin had been there to calm him down, to hug him, to whisper encouragements to his ear, to be the family Hyunjin never had. 

But all of that was gone in a land far far away where Hyunjin would never see the person he cared the most about. 

 

Hyunjin didn’t cry as he stood with the crowd in the rain in his funeral. It seemed like the sky was doing his job for him, crying,  _ mourning  _ for the boy he loved with all his heart, crying for his brother.

Crying for the boy who he’d shared secrets with, shared dreams with, shared tears and disappointment with, shared sleepovers with, shared his  _ life _ with, shared who he was with. He let himself be overwhelmed only after everyone had left the graveyard and it was only him and his best friend. He cried his heart out as he left a single daisy on his grave, watered by his and the tears of countless others. He fell down to his knees with the force of his sobs and kissed the gravestone. Every time Hyunjin had exhausted himself by crying in his arms, Changbin had always kissed atop his head as he fell asleep.  _ A charm of love to protect you as you sleep,  _ he’d said when Hyunjin had asked why. Now Hyunjin was the one wishing upon the stars for him to be safe, for him to rest well and wake up with happiness in his blooming chest. 

Only thing wrong was that Changbin wouldn’t wake up, no matter how many times Hyunjin pleaded the stars, the only thing he got back were puffy eyes from crying and an empty feeling in his chest where he had left his heart with his friend. 

 


	2. I'll try my best to smile while thinking of you

 

 

_For a long time, gotta go_  
_Only looked at one place for a long time_  
 _So where do you want me to go?_  
 _Yeah, this is my last time, I won’t give up_  
 _Look at the night sky, Imma show it_  
 _Look at the bright stars, gotta glow_  
 _It’s like us, shining brighter in the darkness_

_-_

 

The sun stopped shining the day Seungmin’s brother died.

Funny, isn’t it? For Seungmin’s brother, Felix, to leave the earth the day the sun hid back behind the clouds. Most people had called Felix a bundle of energy, someone who brings light to everyone’s day.

But the light was gone now, one of the only things Seungmin had to live for -the most important was gone now.

_Felix’s blood on his hands, his blood everywhere. He screams and screams, he wails, begging for someone to call an ambulance. Begging to whoever would listen to save his brother._

Felix had been Seungmin’s best friend, someone who would listen, the only person who was left of his dysfunctional family. The only family that truly loved him. They had only had each other growing up, but that was gone now too. Just like everything in his life that he had ever loved. Whether it be his family, friends, music or art, he’d lost them all now.

Seungmin hadn’t touched a brush nor a pencil with the intention to draw in over two years, ever since his _oh so loving_ parents threw out his sketchbooks and bottles of paint in a heated argument, telling him it was no good for him -that _he_ was no good to the family. But Felix had always loved and adored his drawings, how the lines he sketched became pictures anything from a portrait to a scenery to the pain Seungmin felt inside communicated on paper. His brother would watch him draw for hours, weather it was while they were talking or in complete silence. It was therapeutic for both of them, for Seungmin to get his emotions out, and for Felix, to distract himself from them. It all changed after the big argument that had occured. Felix had tried to get him to draw again but had given up over time. Seungmin wishes he hadn’t because if he hadn’t then maybe on his last days, they would have bonded over the frozen images painted on pieces of paper once more, for old time’s sake.

For the first time in two years, Seungmin went to the art store he used to adore with it’s cozy feeling and the people who would smile at him and listen to him ramble. As he was on his way, walking to the store, he wondered if the same people still worked there. _Daehwi_ had been a boy’s name who hummed under his breath as he arranged shelves. Daehwi had been kind to him, had calmed him and had given him water the day he had arrived to the store with tears on his cheeks and a hand shaped bruise on his cheek. He hadn’t demanded an explanation, but he had put his phone number down on Seungmin’s phone and told him in a comforting voice that he could him anytime he wanted, and he would be willing to listen with no judgements. Seungmin had never done it, had been too afraid to reach out a hand to clasp the one that was offered. He wondered if he had taken Daehwi’s hand, would he be less lonely now? Would he not be crying himself to sleep alone every night but rather with someone holding him? Would he not be completely alone with shells of fake people surrounding him?

As he stood in front of the store _JYP’s Arts & Crafts _ , he realized Daehwi had probably moved on, had gone to college or something since he had been working part time at the art shop while he was in high school. He wondered if the other workers who greeted him with kind smiles would remember him, the kid who came to admire the art hung up on the walls, the kid who came to them for comfort, the kid who bought small tubes of paint he could barely afford. He remembered all of their names, _Wonpil, Jaehyung, Younghyun, Dowoon and Sungjin._ Seungmin would always remember them as the kind souls who offered him comfort. Whether it be Jaehyung listen to him while he rambled about the painting he saw somewhere, whether it be Wonpil offer him tea when he came into the shop visibly shaken, he would always remember them as the people who came close to breaking his walls. Something no one had done other than Felix.

He stepped into the shop that smelled a little like the cigarettes Younghyun would smoke, a little like the paint Dowoon used to paint flowers, a little like the coffee Sungjin drank every other hour. He saw that the interior had changed a bit, they had added flowers, had taken down most of the paintings he grew to love and had replaced them with newer ones. He looked to the counter and saw nobody there.

“Hello?” He called out to the empty space, wondering if anyone was maybe behind in the back room where the workers took their breaks.

A stream of curses followed by a loud _thunk_  answered his question as he saw the disheveled figure of Wonpil approach the counter hurriedly.

“Hi! How may I hel- Holy shit Seungmin is that you?”

Wonpil’s practiced perfect line came to a stop as he took in the brunette boy who he hadn’t seen in a _long ass time._

A small smile graced Seungmin’s lips. _Ah_ he thought, _so he does remember me._

“Hi Wonpil hyung,” Seungmin’s eyes welled up with tears as he saw the man he had admired and found comfort in.

“It’s been a while.”


	3. like a tunnel with no light

_I just dash out even if I get out of breath_  
_I run constantly_  
_Why does time run to me so fast?_  
_I just dash out even if I fall_  
_I keep running_  
_I can just run so time can't even see me_

-

_ What do you regret the most in life? _

 

In a breezy autumn night six months before Changbin’s death, he had asked that question. 

Hyunjin had looked into Changbin’s eyes before saying something very intelligent, which was an “I dunno” followed by a shrug.

Hyunjin thinks about the question as he’s on his way back from the cemetery. He’s drenched and he has dirt all over him, yet he can’t bring himself to care.  _ What do I regret the most?  _ He thinks to himself. Maybe it’s how he didn’t spend as much time with Changbin as he should have before his death. Even though they shared so many memories and basically shared lives, the toll university took on both of them had caused them to drift apart in the slightest. When they were in high school, they had gone to each other’s houses every other day to do whatever it be, whether it was homework or just talk for hours. He missed those simple times where they hadn’t been stressed out every day about one thing or the other. He misses everything that he used to have.

He misses Changbin.

He knows that Changbin wouldn’t want him to be stuck on his death, cause Changbin was just  _ like that.  _ But Hyunjin isn’t sure how he is going to be able to get through life the way it is now -with no one to be happy with, with no one to pour his heart out to, with no one to love him. 

_ With nobody to love. _ __  
  


* * *

__

_ What do you regret the most in life? _

__

Seungmin regrets not protecting his brother good enough.

Every time their parents raised a hand to do  _ something  _ to them, Seungmin had always protected his little brother. Every time his parents were around Felix, he had to be there to make sure that they didn’t do anything. The only times where Seungmin wasn’t around to protect him was when he left to work in the small café a couple blocks over. Their parents had stopped giving them allowance, money for themselves or anything else other than necessities that made his parents always say  _ “I pay for your school, I put food on the table and what do you do?! So disrespectful!”  _

So Seungmin had started working at the café in order to play for school supplies, clothes and anything else that their parents wouldn’t help with.

People did question the bruises all over Seungmin’s body but no one cared enough to report it or even offer to talk about it. Seungmin had more bruises than Felix, but seeing the bruises or the cuts from bottles thrown to his brother hurt him more than any physical wound ever could.

They wouldn’t speak as they patched each other up with the emergency kit that Seungmin bought each month. Felix always made sure to leave a kiss on the bandage after he put bandages on Seungmin -he had learnt it from his grandma before she had passed away. Whenever Felix and Seungmin went to her house in the summer and their knees bled from falling off of their bikes that their grandpa taught them to ride, their grandma would kiss the bandage and say  _ “A little bit of love fixes all wounds!”  _

Seungmin misses those summers where they visited their grandparents. He misses warm hugs and affection.

He misses Felix.

Everybody he loves always falls off from the edge of the world to a land where he Seungmin cannot reach. 

He has nobody to love.

He’s left  **_with nobody to love._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eyyyy did you see how i connected them at the end???
> 
> i hope you enjoyed that! please tell me your visions or what you want to happen for this story! i might incorporate it!!!!


	4. all that's left is you and me

_ How do you fly with no wings? _

_ How do you breathe without dreams? _

_ Where do we go from here? _

-

As Felix walked into his home, he couldn’t help but think how messed up it was. There were no photos of their family, no photos of them as babies, no photos of his parents’ wedding, no pictures of his family  _ at all.  _ He never realized how weird it was until he visited other people’s houses where he saw displays of photos on the walls of their warm and cozy home that radiated happiness where there was warm food on the stove and cookies that his friends associated with home. Home to Felix wasn’t the nightmare house he lived in with his parents, home was his brother, Seungmin. 

Seungmin always comforted him when his parents yelled at him, his brother was always there to take a blow in place of Felix. 

He was always there to love him when his parents never could.

He never did find out just why their parents hated them so much, why they decided to howl insults at them, throw fists and rip them apart, inside out - from their hearts to their bodies.

Felix should have known that the eery comfort of a silent house wouldn’t last. He had been right, when Seungmin and him had returned from school that day, nobody had been around. Normally their father would be home but not that day, they had just assumed that he had gone out, and had celebrated her absence by painting a flower. Seungmin had gotten started on painting a pink chrysanthemum, he had drawn the beautiful outlines on the cheapest canvas he could find in a store and was about to start painting when the door to their house opened and closed with a loud bang. 

They had both frozen up, afraid of what would come next. Would it be their father who’d call them disappointments, raise his hand at Felix and somehow end up striking Seungmin instead? Or would it be their mother who would have them on the floor, taking turns at kicking them and - in special cases, like being drunk, pull their hair and hit them repeatedly with whatever object she could find. More often than not, it was only Seungmin who had the  _ pleasure  _ of dealing with that side of their mom since he always made sure that Felix was in his room with a locked door when she came home. But Seungmin needed to get her medicine and water so that she could go to work the next morning. His kindness lead to violence from their mother who was supposed to love them unconditionally.

The person that slammed their fist on Seungmin’s room was their father, understood by the stream of curses and insults directed at Seungmin which was a surprise to them since he was still supposed to be at his workspace. After ushering Felix into the wardrobe which fit the small boy, Seungmin opened the door.

Felix would never forget the blood on Seungmin’s face, his hands, arms, torso,  _ everywhere _ as he watched his big brother get beaten up by the guy who used to make airplane sounds in order to get them to eat. He watched in horror as his father hurled slur after slur, fist after fist, insult after insult. Felix never learned just why his father had come in and done those horrible things that day. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so sorry for not updating!! i had field trip with the school so i couldn't update and everything has been so hectic lately thats why i couldnt update. holidays are starting soon though so i should be able to update regularly


	5. Not a chapter sorry :(

Hi,  
So, when I started this story, i had a lot of inspiration and drive, but ive been going through some stuff and havent been motivated in writing it.  
Also, i felt that it was not respectful or kind of me to write family (physical) abuse when i havent gone through it.  
Because of these reasons and a couple more, i wont be continuing with this story, for now. I dont know if i'll edit and get back to it, but i might  
sorry

\- M

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!  
> I hope you enjoyed that. i have visions on where this is going owo. thank you for reading. Constructive criticism is appreciated.
> 
> I will update every week on Fridays!


End file.
